Settled and Unsettled

Late last night the political system did as it so often does - wander to the edge of the cliff, teeter a bit, and then find a way to back away from the brink. As a consequence, I awoke to find, when I checked the OPM website, that the operating status of the federal government today was "open," and all employees were to report to work.

It took a bit of energy to crank up the routines of a normal work day. Everything today seemed a little off, a little unsettled. As I walked to work, the sky was gray, the air humid and heavy. I was glad to see the convenience store in my building open - it had been shuttered for at least a week of the shutdown - and I had been concerned about the family proprietors who have served me so graciously for 10 years.

People streamed into work with a lot of positive energy, relieved that the crisis had been averted and glad to be back at their jobs. But I also had a feeling of detachment, as if something had been left behind in the past 16 days.

During the morning, the sky cleared as drier air moved in, and by lunchtime the sun was out and warm, complemented by a fresh, cool breeze. I sat outside for a while, enjoying the day and thinking how useful it is to understand fear.

Left unrecognized and unacknowledged, fear drives and shapes our actions in countless ways. Fear pushes political leaders to say one thing and do another, and to ignore what they know is the right thing to do, hoping the issue will resolve itself in a satisfactory way without them having to take responsibility. Decisions finally get made in the crisis of fears colliding - when the fear of not taking a course of action overwhelms the fear of taking it. Do they recognize their course is set by fear, or do they imagine that they are courageous and brave?

Recognizing that fear motivates many of my actions as well is an important insight. "In this situation, what I am afraid of?" Answering that question allows me to move beyond the fear to an action based on positive intention.

During the afternoon, the sky filled with clouds again, but instead of a solid gray blanket, the clouds formed with shape and space, allowing sunlight to filter through and cast a thousand shades of gray. For a while, sunlight streamed through a larger space, gradually growing far too bright to look at, then fading away as the space closed.

I realized that I was not going to feel completely settled today. The change and turmoil of the past two and a half weeks would take a little longer than that to subside. But today was a good start.