Have you had a button pushed lately - someone said or did something that you immediately reacted to with anger? Feels great, doesn’t it? If you, like me, find that getting your button pushed ultimately makes you feel miserable and distracts you from the positive things that you really value, then you may want to work on breaking your patterns of reactivity - in essence, disconnecting your buttons.
“Don’t take anything personally.” This is the second of the Four Agreements outlined by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book, “The Four Agreements.” Having some person or event reach in and push your button without you being able to stop it is the ultimate of taking it personally.
How can you begin to work on this? First, acknowledge that people will do things that are upsetting to you - or at least you have allowed to upset you in the past. Second, recognize that as righteous as you may feel in your angry and upset response, it isn’t helping you or the other person, and you will often suffer the most by being upset. Third, practice choosing a different response. Now, you may wonder how you can choose a different response if your button has already been pushed? In my experience, you can’t, so you have to be proactive and present. Let’s take a specific example, that is a common situation for many of us: driving.
You’re driving in heavy traffic - a stressful environment - perhaps worried about arriving on time, or thinking about what you need to do when you arrive. You allow a little space to open between you and the car ahead. Suddenly a car races up alongside and cuts into the space without signalling. You have to brake to avoid an accident. Rage button pushed! At best you’re angry, flushed, wound up in a way that may take hours to subside. At worst, you may lose control and drive aggressively in an attempt to get back at the other driver and make sure they know you’re angry at what they did.
Here’s how I have practiced a different response. I understand that people are often stressed, inconsiderate, in a hurry, and that as I drive I will likely encounter episodes of rude and aggressive behavior that, if I’m not present and proactive, will push my anger button. I stay alert for situations where it looks like people want to cut in, and I make a conscious decision to create more space for them. I’m being proactive about creating space, being gracious to them. I imagine that I have made their life a little better in that moment and I feel happy that I was able to ease some stress in the world. But really, it’s not about them. It’s about me. An act of graciousness preempts a reaction of anger. I feel good.
Sure, there are plenty of things that rub me the wrong way - like people who will take advantage of a long merge lane to run up ahead of a line of stalled traffic to push their way in farther up - but reacting to that just ruins my day - it doesn’t affect them.
In short, the way to not get your buttons pressed is to consciously act in ways that negate the reaction before it occurs. Start with common, impersonal situations like the traffic example, that you’ll get frequent opportunities to practice. It’s harder in direct interactions with people, and hardest with people you have relationships with. But once you get started, and you find yourself feeling better and reacting less, you’ll find it becomes easier to be less reactive. Then, when there is a situation that you need to take a firm stand, you’re calm and in control, and more effective.
