This afternoon I cleared out space to work - just one thing to do. Calm, nothing competing for attention, nothing lurking in the wings. This should feel great, and it does, in a way. But it doesn't feel normal. It doesn't feel quite like work. I know it's an important project. But shouldn't important feel urgent? Shouldn't I be anxious about finishing the review before something interrupts me? Why do I feel urges to turn away while this is still unfinished to check and see if there are new emails with more tasks?
Over many years, starting long ago, I learned to deal with the stress of multiple tasks, expectations and deadlines. First school - books to read, papers to write, tests to study for. Then work - problems to solve, bosses' expectations, deadlines, meetings, new tasks appearing faster than old ones get completed, growing to-do lists.
This leads to a perpetual sense of urgency and anxiety. Instead of attention and effort being applied to productive work, much of it is sidetracked thinking about other things that are incomplete,
or not even begun. Should I even be working on this? Or is there something more important?
What if I'm forgetting something? Check the email. Check the to-do list. Not sure what to do. Perhaps it's time for more coffee - walking around feels good.
I realize much of this environment, now, is self-created. I have a lot of choice about being in a state of hurried anxiety, or one of calm focus. And I realize how often I have chosen to make my environment more stressful, because that seemed normal - it was the conditions and state of mind I was used to operating in, succeeding in. It will take effort to turn away from that, and make calm focus feel normal, as well as good.
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