Consonance and Dissonance

I went to a jazz workshop today, run by my friend, saxophonist Jeff Antoniuk.  The theme was the music from Herbie Hancock's great 60's album, Maiden Voyage.

It has been about three years since I played small group jazz regularly and intensely.  At that time I had memorized the melody and harmony for about 100 tunes.  In the summer of 2010 I went to some open jam sessions in D.C., and generally felt good about my playing.

But there was a dissonance, I think, between what I was experiencing and what I was looking for, though I didn't really know what that was, and my playing tapered off after that fall.

Music is a special way of relating to time.  Each piece has a beginning and an end, and for the several minutes between them the music structures the time - the motion and the momentum are like a wave to ride as you play.

I enjoy playing music - the feeling of being inside a cloud of sound - melody, harmony and rhythm - and helping to create the energy and mood of the performance.  Ideally, the experience that is absorbing, powerful, smooth and beautiful.  What I sometimes experience is more like driving too fast for 20 miles on a potholed gravel road.

Today I was reminded of how persistent ingrained patterns and held emotions are.  As soon as the group assembled, my mind and body began playing old tapes.  Will I play well today?  Do I really know how to play over that section of chords?  Will people like my sound?  Suddenly, I felt underprepared (indeed, I was).  

I understand how much time, energy, and dedication is needed to play really well.  I've spent a lot of time over several decades playing music, leading groups, and composing.   My devotion to it has tapered off, because I didn't have a compelling vision of where it was leading me.  For the past several years, I haven't been making the investment needed to get off the potholed road.

I learned a number of things today that I could apply to my playing and study of jazz and become a better player.  But do I really want to do that?  What is the right relationship to music for me?